Monday, October 20, 2014

Change is hard

A long time ago, a friend and I would go over this quote by St. Gregory of Nyssa...we would read it over and over and talk about what it meant.

"Know to what extent the Creator has honored you above all the rest of creation. The sky is not an image of God, nor is the moon, nor the sun, nor the beauty of the stars, nor anything of what can be seen in creation. You alone have been made the image of the Reality that transcends all understanding, the likeness of imperishable beauty, the imprint of true divinity, the recipient of beatitude, the seal of the true light. When you turn to him you become that which he is himself…There is nothing so great among beings that it can be compared with your greatness."

I have been thinking about this - a lot. I know it in my head, but I don't really believe it in my heart. I have been struggling with so many things lately that really stem from my inability to see my own goodness. I have no problem seeing goodness in others - I can see goodness in even the most frustrating people. But to see that goodness in myself feels nearly impossible.

Because it is comfortable...this weight around me. It is comfortable to feel this pain. I don't want to change because I don't know what is on the other side. Or maybe I do know and I just don't trust that it will be freedom.

I think St. Gregory is right, but for some reason my heart doesn't feel that it applies to me. It applies to others and it is beautiful, but not me.

But I don't want to feel that way. I want to change - I want to believe in my heart that there is goodness in me.

And the details are there. In that change. In the ability to take a good long look at myself and say that I can be different because I deserve happiness and not pain.

So let's do this.