Change is hard

A long time ago, a friend and I would go over this quote by St. Gregory of Nyssa...we would read it over and over and talk about what it meant.

"Know to what extent the Creator has honored you above all the rest of creation. The sky is not an image of God, nor is the moon, nor the sun, nor the beauty of the stars, nor anything of what can be seen in creation. You alone have been made the image of the Reality that transcends all understanding, the likeness of imperishable beauty, the imprint of true divinity, the recipient of beatitude, the seal of the true light. When you turn to him you become that which he is himself…There is nothing so great among beings that it can be compared with your greatness."

I have been thinking about this - a lot. I know it in my head, but I don't really believe it in my heart. I have been struggling with so many things lately that really stem from my inability to see my own goodness. I have no problem seeing goodness in others - I can see goodness in even the most frustrating people. But to see that goodness in myself feels nearly impossible.

Because it is comfortable...this weight around me. It is comfortable to feel this pain. I don't want to change because I don't know what is on the other side. Or maybe I do know and I just don't trust that it will be freedom.

I think St. Gregory is right, but for some reason my heart doesn't feel that it applies to me. It applies to others and it is beautiful, but not me.

But I don't want to feel that way. I want to change - I want to believe in my heart that there is goodness in me.

And the details are there. In that change. In the ability to take a good long look at myself and say that I can be different because I deserve happiness and not pain.

So let's do this.

A really long story, but worth reading

I happened upon this story this week in all the hoopla over Angelina Jolie's news about having a preventive double mastectomy.

It is a really, REALLY long article about how we view breast cancer and if the treatments and education tactics are really working. It was thought provoking, if not a little depressing.

Happy Friday.

No, no, you don't have to thank me.

Self-conscious

I have people ask me how I am doing wayyyy more often than they used to. I appreciate that. It does make me feel like they care. It is just a tough question to answer...that is true for a lot of people.

Multiple sclerosis is a tricky disease. One day can be very different than another, and one person's disease can be vastly different than another. I read a story one day about a group of people with MS who are literally climbing mountains. And then I remember the friend in my MS support group who is a few years older than me and can't walk anymore. So unpredictable.

I found this blog entry the other day, and it really explains some of the day-to-day feelings of having MS. Not just the physical feelings of exhaustion and pain, but the psychological feelings. It is a war between living in the moment and planning for an uncertain future. Worry versus letting go. Being aware of my body to prevent injury versus knowing not every pain is due to MS.

So if you want to know what goes on in my mind - read on!

And thank you for caring. :-)

Deep moments, brought to you by a kid's movie

"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not." - from Dr. Seuss's The Lorax

Occasionally, some of the movies that Bridget wants to watch have a story line that actually keeps me interested and seems to have some sort of deeper meaning. I just saw one of those yesterday - The Lorax.

Yeah, I realize I'm a little late on this...everyone else has seen it already. I'm just slow on this, folks.

But anyway, I'm watching the end of the movie, and that quote that I put above ends up on the screen and the tears started to fall.

It isn't just about the environment, or nature. The beauty of the movie is that that truth can be applied to just about anything in life. About spreading love, kindness, and truth.

Sometimes, teaching the Creighton Model System, I feel like I'm shouting at the wind. I occasionally get burned out and frustrated and I wonder why I try when it seems like the world doesn't care. Then I have moments when I am reminded that I have to care. I have to keep caring and trying. A whole awful lot.

Because I have seen this make a difference to people and bring more love, joy, and peace to this world. And if I don't care, and if other people don't care, then nothing is going to get better.

Top Ten Things Going on Right Now

I'm the worst blogger EVER. I am feeling challenged to keep this up a little better, so this seems like a good way to get back in the game.

So here are the top 10 things going on in the Harlan house...

10. We got a guinea pig! He is adorable and his name is Ollie. Wanna watch him play? My adorable techie husband set up a live webcam.

9. Client follow-ups. I have so many Creighton Model FertilityCare clients! I am swamped! Don't know what I'm talking about? You better go to my website, mi amigos. 

8. Diocesan work. I write articles and design ads for the Office of Family Life. Have a good idea for an article about building a culture of life or the Catholic Church's teachings on married love? Share it with me. Don't leave me hangin', peeps.

7. Kindergarten continues. Bridget is learning to read so much more everyday. She says she hates math, much to the dismay of her Uncle Scott who is a math teacher. :-) She has also developed a devotion to St. Francis of Assisi. LOVE THAT.

6. I should start a cooking show...Cookin' with Crazy. It will star me, my darling husband, and all the poor souls I enlist to help me as I cook for all the big dinners at St. Isidore's. We are a barrel of fun in that kitchen, let me tell you. The last big dinner of the year was this past Wednesday, so I'm breathing a sigh of relief.

5. Annual MRI to check for more MS lesions on my brain...was good! No additional lesions, all was stable. So my brain isn't melting like a science fiction novel. Cool.

4. We have all developed a strange love for the show Duck Dynasty. This world definitely needs a little more laughter, amIright?

3. Bridget and Gabriel. My bestie, Mandi, has a son Gabriel who is in Bridget's class (God is so smart, isn't He?!). Bridget and Gabe have been forced to spend craaaazy amounts of time together for their entire lives, and they occasional drive each other nuts, but now they are like peas and carrots. They want to play nearly everyday and I love getting to chill with Mandi even more.

2. Women's basketball games. We went to nearly every single one with Bill's parents. Bridget really loved them. I do, too. Sadly, the season ended in the WNIT semi-finals, but it was a ton of fun.

1. Busy, busy, busy! Bill said today that he is thinking of going with me to a meeting in Salina on Saturday because he just wants to spend the time with me...things have just been going a mile a minute. Before we know it, summer will be here and FFA convention and birthdays!

So that was a lame number 1, but I ran out of stuff. Cut me some slack. 

Back to the Blog

I haven't blogged in a long time...things have been so crazy here that there aren't even words to fully explain it all. A blog post would hardly do justice to the changes in our lives, but the big one is this: in February, I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. 

To say we were surprised is an understatement, so maybe this blog can be a way for me to share our journey with others, especially those who are on this path, too. 

I am humbled by God's hand in all of this. By friends who have shared Christ with me and my family. May he be glorified in all things, in every way.

What's Going On

If life was any busier, I think I'd forget to breathe. Heck, I think sometimes I DO forget to breathe!

First off - Lent. Wow - I started off with such great intentions and doing really well, and now I feel like I am struggling. I am focusing on the theme "Pray+Fast+Give," but I sure feel like I'm becoming more aware of how much more growing I need to do. Praise God we serve a merciful Savior.

This past week, Bill and I had the stomach flu. YUCK. And for some reason, this particular illness really frustrated me. There was so much I had planned for spring break, and so much that needed to be done. I did NOT handle it gracefully. Again, I'm thankful I can start over tomorrow.

After being encouraged by my friends, I started training for a 5K. I just have to get in shape! I've been running for more than a month, and I still can't run very far, but I think I'm improving. I'm having some serious knee pain, so that's kinda slowing me up, but it is really pretty fun to run. I've been praying for motivation to keep running, and the Lord is answering my prayers.

In the next few months, I'm hoping to finally get to go to training to become a FertilityCare Practioner with the Creighton Model of FertilityCare. I'm so excited! It will be a lot of hard work, and I hope I can handle it. Any prayers for this journey are appreciated.

Last weekend, I went to a conference to learn more about God's Plan for a Joy-Filled Marriage. It is a marriage preparation/enrichment program based on JPII's Theology of the Body as explained by Christopher West. Fabulous stuff! I was familiar with Theology of the Body, but hearing it again was great. I hope to get to work with the program more in the future.

Here's to hoping this coming week is filled with peace, health, and a big win for the K-State Wildcats! Go State!

Small Successes

So Faith and Family challenged more gals to link to the Thursday Small Successes post, so here I go. Don't mind me...I just haven't blogged in two months. I swear I will get back in the game. We only moved to a new house in those two months...no big deal. :-)

1. I have nearly finished my application for FertilityCare Practitioner training. I put together the cost analysis of different training locations, completed the app, and wrote an essay.

2. I finished all the laundry - as in the basket was empty. That never happens!

3. I made several meals out of stuff we had around rather than going shopping for easier things to make. This is more than a small success when you consider how much I HATE cooking.

New House!

We bought a house today! After much drama, we closed on a beautiful little house today. Then we moved a bunch of boxes in and realized how much work we have ahead of us. So at least I have an excuse for why I haven't been blogging. I need to add some new pics of the kiddo - she is so blessedly adorable that I can hardly stand it.

While I'm here at the computer, here are two precious children who need your prayers:

Baby Joaquin was born last week and coded immediately after being born. He was rushed to a children's hospital where he has been in critical condition. Please pray for him and his parents, Dan and Amy.

Sweet, 3-year-old Gianna (nicknamed Gigi), was diagnosed with leukemia last week - acute lymphoblastic leukemia. This has a really great survival rate, but she's looking at a minimum of 2.5 years of chemo ahead of her. Please pray for her complete healing. Her mom and dad are Laura and Cal.

Both of these couples - Laura and Cal and Amy and Dan - are relying on the strength of the Lord to sustain them. They are such a reminder to me of how precious life is and how I need to turn to God more in my everyday life. I had a priest really challenge me last week when I was in Confession, and so I've been working harder on my relationship with God lately. May He be glorified in all things, in every way.

Pray for this Sweet Boy

I need to be a better blogger. Really, I do.

Please, please, please pray for this little boy. I've been following his story for a long time, and I can't imagine how hard it is for his parents.

Please, Heavenly Father, bless this little boy with health!

http://www.mycharmingkids.net/

Baby Got Back

....a bad back, that is.

On Tuesday night, I was bending down to pick up some laundry, when pain exploded in my lower back. I ended up laying on the floor while I whimpered like my almost-2-year-old. Bill finally lifted me to my feet and I laid down in bed. I called my doctor who called in a rx for muscle relaxants.

And here I am, Sunday afternoon, and it still hurts so darn bad. Sometimes it feels okay, but only when I am laying down, which is kinda hard to do with Bridget. I wish I knew what to do to make it better. It is driving me nuts asking for help and not able to do anything.

Sitting and typing on a computer sure doesn't feel good, so this is going to be short...I'm headed back to the couch.

Post-Convention Blues

It happens every year - State FFA Convention is over and that makes me kind of sad. I never realize how much I enjoy helping with convention until it is over. We had a great time, and it never gets old. I love working with such fun people and seeing students accomplish great things. I really struggle when I see kids disappointed, but I know there's nothing I can do about that but pray that God gives them peace. But seeing the faces of the students who were elected to state office just makes me smile. Their faces just light up. I love it.

So we're back to the daily grind. I have a dissertation to edit (not mine! I'm DONE with school forever!), and Bridget has discovered a love for swimming, so we're doing that a lot. I'll start watching a little baby girl in July, so we're gearing up for that. Next weekend I'm visiting some friends in KC, then two weeks after that we'll be in Pittsburg to visit Bill's sister and bro-in-law. It will be a busy month! (And somewhere in there I'll turn 27. Oh, I feel old!)

A little better

So my little sweet pea has some sort of mouth infection. We don't know the cause, but now she's on antibiotics and she seems to feel better. The doc assured me it wasn't because of something we did, but I still feel bad, and I pray she didn't infect anyone when she thought she was feeling better.

I got to go to Confession today! Hooray for the Sacrament! Praise Jesus for His everlasting mercy and love. I love the way I feel after Confession, and I pray that God will grant me the grace to keep away from the sins that I struggle with.

Let's see - this weekend - I'm thinking of going home for the day because Bill needs a good day to work on stuff without the beautiful distraction that Bridget often provides. I asked my mom what she was doing on Saturday, and when I said we were thinking of coming down, she used this really sad little voice to say, "Come and spend the day with me." Okay.

Bill just started using a sleep apnea mask. It is a CPAP machine to keep his airway open while he sleeps. We'll see if it helps his energy level. Poor guy was waking up 40 to 80 times an HOUR because of apnea. No wonder he always feels tired. The CPAP machine is going to cost a pretty penny, but I'm just deciding not to worry about it. We've had so many unexpected bills lately - car problems, medical problems, unexpected expenses - and at first I freaked out, but what's the use of freaking out? Everything will work out. We will work hard and do what we can, and God will take care of the rest.

And now I must go. Bridget is taking everything off the desk and throwing it on the floor. Fabulous.

Sign Me Up

...For the worst mom in the universe award.

1. I think Bridget got hand, foot, and mouth disease. Which sounds worse than it is - it isn't really a big deal, but it can sure make kids really uncomfortable, and it is really contagious. Poor kid was just not a happy camper over Easter. She didn't even get to wear her pretty Easter dress to Mass on Easter morning - I went to Mass by myself because Bill went to Easter Vigil on Holy Saturday. It was nice to go to Mass and focus, but I missed my family.

2. Yesterday, Bridget fell off some playground equipment and hit her head. :-( It was awful. I was standing right next to her. We were pretending to drive using the steering wheels mounted on the side of the jungle gym. She went to spin the wheel, and she lost her balance and fell off the side of the platform, then onto the platform below us, then off onto the ground. I reached for her as she fell, and she went right through my hands. It was terrible watching her little body fall like that - praise God that the playground is covered in the black rubber stuff and it wasn't far that she fell. She is typically so sure on her feet - she can climb anything. She just tripped right off the side. I opened my mouth to scream, but nothing came out. The little monkey cried for about 15 seconds, and ran off to climb back on the jungle gym. I was feeling all over her head and body for cuts, scrapes, or broken bones, but that annoyed her more than falling. I ended up calling the doctor just to be safe, and she slept okay and has acted completely normal, so all is well. It was so scary...I will be more careful from now on, although I don't know what I would have done differently.

3. This morning, we noticed that Bridget's gums were bleeding. She brushes her teeth everyday - we thought her gums were swollen because of hand, foot, and mouth, but then when they started bleeding, we called the doctor. I feel so awful. I don't know what the problem is, but I get the feeling it is going to involve holding her down and a thorough gum examination. Poor kid.

Anyway, I'm feeling not so great as a parent.

Twitchy

Anyone else feeling a little twitchy today? I just feel on edge. I've had a lovely day so far - I went to story hour with Bridget, then we went to visit everyone at St. Isidore's, then we walked to campus and ate lunch with Bill and Emily. I even got to watch LOST while Bridget was napping.

Oh, wait...come to think of it, I think I know why I'm a little edgy - I drank an obscene amount of Dr. Pepper with lunch. Riiiiiight.

We are all in recovery mode here - we all had Influenza A over the last two weeks. Not fun. Because of our strangely infectious life of the last couple of weeks, I haven't watched Ellie at all for two weeks. That silly kid is growing so fast that I won't recognize her! I have had fun with Bridget - we have spent some quality time together.

I am traveling to Melvern this weekend (again) to go to the baby shower of a best friend from high school. I'm so excited for her. I am also looking forward to seeing some old friends, although Bridget still HATES the car sometimes. She screams like I'm ripping off her limbs when I buckle her in. Oh, the fun of it all.

Life is just so unexciting lately. I guess that's good, eh? Bridget has come a long way on sleep, but the last few nights have been a regression. I'm hoping it is a fluke!

Okay, I've gotta go be productive. I hope you enjoyed this random post! :-) Twitchy twitchy twitchy.

Baseketball season is almost over!

On Wednesday night, we went to the last home women's basketball game. Sad. But Bridget had a good time as always. I had the stomach flu on Tuesday, and I still felt awfully tired on Wednesday, but I just couldn't bear to miss the last game. I'm glad we went.

Big Bird is My Hero

Have you ever seen this clip from Sesame Street? It is of a mom breastfeeding her baby and Big Bird asking about it. I think it is so sweet.

I get some raised eyebrows about the fact that Bridget is still nursing at 19 months. But it works for us. She loves to nurse, and while sometimes it is inconvenient for me, I do enjoy providing for her in this way. With our infertility issues, then having a rough birthing experience, breastfeeding has been very healing for me. It gave me a little more faith in my body - that my body could actually function the way it was intended to!

Even though I do look forward to weaning Bridget someday (she will wean, right?!), I am thankful everyday that I have been able to breastfeed.

Mardi Gras

What did you do to celebrate? I went to Dairy Queen and got a Dr. Pepper float. Mmmmmmm. Tomorrow, my sensible eating plan will start anew. It isn't called "Fat Tuesday" for no reason, after all. :-)

What are you doing to observe Lent? I think I'm going to follow a couple of daily devotionals. I guess I have an hour and a half to decide for sure.

Bridget's sleeping is going so much better. She is such a trooper. She is typically falling asleep by herself (7 out of the last 8 days), and she is sleeping a lot longer at night, too. Not every night, but most nights. I had some realizations about how blessed I am to have such a healthy kid, and I am going to do my best to never complain about her sleeping habits again. I am really tired - I really am - but I am so blessed to have Bridget. She is just the best.

Small Successes

1. So I already mentioned this before, but now we are on night three of Bridget falling asleep on her own! Hoooooooooooray!

2. I didn't lose my cool with Cox Communications when our Internet was down, even when they sent over a tech to fix it at the worst possible time of day, and then it went down two hours later. All seems to be well now, and I don't even need to go to Confession after the ordeal.

3. My mom came to visit on Sunday and stayed until Tuesday afternoon, and while I didn't diet while she was here, I'm still down 9 lbs from my starting weight, which is impressive to me. I need to get back on my full-scale, calorie-counting bandwagon, but I think I'm learning to make healthy food choices sloooooowly.

What did you do this week? Celebrate it!

The good, the bad, and the ugly

Good: Bridget fell asleep by HERSELF last night! I nursed her, held her for a few minutes, then laid her down. I was going to sit on the bed near the door like I have been for the last two weeks, but she seemed really chatty, so I just slipped out and planned to go back in when she wound down. But she fell asleep! Tonight she cried a little when I left, so I went back in a couple of times to calm her, but she fell asleep in the crib again. ROCK ON. She is still waking up frequently through the night, but I'll take what I can get.

Bad: Our Internet keeps going down. Cox Communications is gonna get a piece of my mind at some point this week. I can feel it. I have spent a significant portion of my life on the phone with Cox. They make me crazy.

Ugly: Me wearing my grandmother's clothes for a skit at St. Isidore's at Sunday night. It was a ton of fun, but I was horridly embarrassed to walk into a room of 100 people with baby powder in my hair to make it look white, and wearing old lady clothes. Everyone laughed, and I nearly did, too.